there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
