pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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