I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fuck appropriateness.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
