youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
