Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
