I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
