you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.