dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You pole danced in your parka.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
