i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
