apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
