I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
