I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
