I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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