Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
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She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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