did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
