He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
