I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
