obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I know her cup size but not her name....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
