Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
