Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
