Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
