Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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