so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
