I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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