Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
