trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
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Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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