Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
