Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
