Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
