Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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