Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
