im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
