My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
