Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
