Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
