His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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