Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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