glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
