omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
