Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
