she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
