i don't plan on having that self control this summer
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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