Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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