Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
