You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
