Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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