I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
