My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
