Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
