why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
