New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
