At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
