There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
