Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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