You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
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the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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