dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
