Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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