a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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