Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
