does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
