hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
