I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
