Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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